This is the one time of year that I love wasps.
Not because the wasps themselves get any nicer. They’re horrid little creatures year round. No, it’s because I have a couple of big apple trees out back, and late August, early September is when the apples start ripening.
Now, if you don’t harvest your own fruit, there are two things you need to know about apples.
The first thing you need to know about apples is that, when apples get ripe, they tend to fall from the tree at the slightest breeze.
I often work late at the office; by the time I get home, there are piles of apples scattered everywhere - and sure enough, the wasps are out in force, gorging themselves on the fruit. When I go to clean up the windfallen apples, the wasps naturally do the “rawr, I’ma fuck you up!” routine for which wasps are known.
The second thing you need to know about apples is that they ferment very rapidly in the late August heat.
So: the wasps try to come at me, but they’re too drunk to fly. They get about an inch off the ground, then faceplant directly into the turf, flip over onto their backs, and lay there, legs twitching in the air as they try in vain to find something to sting.
Perhaps I’m a man of simple pleasures, but I bust up laughing every. single. time.
I tried to reblog this with a witty tag, but Tumblr took it as serious advice:
So I was explaining my gender-fluidity to my grandmother
- Me: So sometimes I'm a boy, but sometimes I'm a girl.
- Grandma: I have enough idiot granddaughters already
- Grandma: But I also have enough idiot grandsons, so having an idiot who isn't really either one is kind of refreshing.
- *then later*
- My mom: Alex, can you come pick up these LEGOs?
- Me: Yeah... *doesn't move at all*
- Grandma: Katie, go pick up the LEGOs
- Me: Yeah, alright *goes to pick up LEGOs*
- Grandma: See, you addressed the boy, but I addressed the girl. Boys are lazy, girls get crap done.